Sobriety is arguably one of the most mind numbing and deadening aspects of my life. I know, it’s probably not the answer you were expecting. I honestly did not even expect it myself. The only other strong deadening experience of my life is addiction. The two contradict each other perfectly, so that life stays as numb and painful as possible. It’s the perfect mental and physical combination for a “zombie like” feeling.
I should probably explain that I have had a few things happen to me in my past. Things that make a person want to forget. After these events, I tried so hard to deal the “normal” way. Soon, though I started drinking. Alcohol numbed me and kept flashbacks away and the memories a little less vivid. Addiction is kind of like the “zombie virus”. Once you get bitten you don’t have a chance. It either tears you up and eats you alive, or leaves you wandering around mindlessly. I realized that sooner or later alcohol wouldn't be enough, and it was not. It numbed me enough at times, though I tried drugs also, but decided I did not want to add them to my list as well. Soon enough everything was numb all the time (physically and mentally), even the happy moments. I did not even realize that the problem was my drinking. So, of course, I drank more. I drowned myself with a bottle every night for almost a year.
Who I had been was long gone. I had become the perfect example of "the living dead". Every day, just going through the motions doing what I needed to do to survive. Wandering aimlessly without a meaning. I finally realized what I was doing to myself. I realized that alcohol and addiction had become my own personal virus. I tried sobering up. What I should have realized was, how no one ever came back human after being bit? Yeah, that is the same with addiction. I guess in some zombie flicks they do but they are never the same. Well, that's how you turn out when you get sober. Just a numbed, dead, shadow version of your former self. The funny part is, that no one bothered to tell me that you'd rather be a brain dead zombie than sober, no one said that it is worse.
Catching up to present day my life is not too much different. Still going day to day just barely doing what is needed to survive. Except this time it is different, no filters from drugs or alcohol making it easier. Or harder which every it may be. I know it sounds awful and morbid but my own "triumph of sobriety, that's supposed to give me a better life, has made everything more numb than before. When it comes right down to it, I can't just unplug an electronic from the wall and magically come back to life. I'm still just aimlessly wandering. I'm still stuck in the same schedule and the same feelings (or lack of) every day.
I'll let you know if I suddenly start getting cravings for human flesh.
Payton Williams
I should probably explain that I have had a few things happen to me in my past. Things that make a person want to forget. After these events, I tried so hard to deal the “normal” way. Soon, though I started drinking. Alcohol numbed me and kept flashbacks away and the memories a little less vivid. Addiction is kind of like the “zombie virus”. Once you get bitten you don’t have a chance. It either tears you up and eats you alive, or leaves you wandering around mindlessly. I realized that sooner or later alcohol wouldn't be enough, and it was not. It numbed me enough at times, though I tried drugs also, but decided I did not want to add them to my list as well. Soon enough everything was numb all the time (physically and mentally), even the happy moments. I did not even realize that the problem was my drinking. So, of course, I drank more. I drowned myself with a bottle every night for almost a year.
Who I had been was long gone. I had become the perfect example of "the living dead". Every day, just going through the motions doing what I needed to do to survive. Wandering aimlessly without a meaning. I finally realized what I was doing to myself. I realized that alcohol and addiction had become my own personal virus. I tried sobering up. What I should have realized was, how no one ever came back human after being bit? Yeah, that is the same with addiction. I guess in some zombie flicks they do but they are never the same. Well, that's how you turn out when you get sober. Just a numbed, dead, shadow version of your former self. The funny part is, that no one bothered to tell me that you'd rather be a brain dead zombie than sober, no one said that it is worse.
Catching up to present day my life is not too much different. Still going day to day just barely doing what is needed to survive. Except this time it is different, no filters from drugs or alcohol making it easier. Or harder which every it may be. I know it sounds awful and morbid but my own "triumph of sobriety, that's supposed to give me a better life, has made everything more numb than before. When it comes right down to it, I can't just unplug an electronic from the wall and magically come back to life. I'm still just aimlessly wandering. I'm still stuck in the same schedule and the same feelings (or lack of) every day.
I'll let you know if I suddenly start getting cravings for human flesh.
Payton Williams